


The Lonely Titan

by VisionaryGalaxy



Series: A Thousand Futures of Me and You [91]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Fluff, Grieving, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Short & Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 09:26:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18333245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisionaryGalaxy/pseuds/VisionaryGalaxy
Summary: "He wasn't mad.""Excuse me?""He was lonely, the last of his kind in the universe. Could you imagine what that must be like? Watching your entire species die, how angry and bitter and lonely he must have felt? He believed it would be a mercy, to save every species in the world from the unimaginable pain he endured."





	The Lonely Titan

**Author's Note:**

> Addressing the elephant in the room?

   Stephen stared down at the small tray of tea he had just prepared, five cups causing an almost nauseating mix of aromas, but prepared to everyone’s specifications, nonetheless. It had been soothing, painstakingly assembling the beverages, willfully trying to ignore the thoughts flying through his mind, the almost painful weight of the Eye around his neck.

   “Stephen?”

   He flinched, despite himself. Tony came up beside him, hand resting gently on his arm, warm brown eyes staring at him that Stephen couldn’t bring himself to meet, not today.

   “Are you ok?” he murmured.

   Stephen closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, “I should be asking you that.”

   Tony squeezed his arm, “I feel like shit and wish that tea was actually vodka, you’re turn.”

   That pulled a smile from him, weak as it was, “I’d rather be in a million other dimensions then this one right now.”

   Tony picked the tray up carefully, shooting him a tight smile, “you win, let’s go see if the others can beat it.”

   Stephen watched him disappear through the threshold and into the sitting room, where the fireplace was burning, and the silence was nearly suffocating. Peter, May, and Wong were in there, an unplanned meeting between them all on the anniversary of the Snap.

   It had been a whole year.

   The world wasn’t the same.

   Stephen wasn’t the same and neither was a single person in that room.

   Stephen felt the weight of the Eye around his neck like a noose.

   With a sigh, he followed after Tony, taking in the very people that had made this past year survivable. Tony was setting the tray down on the coffee table, which was flanked by two couches and a single chair at the head of the gathering with the fireplace on the other. Unsurprisingly, Wong had claimed the chair, Peter and May one couch, and Tony the other.

   When Peter and May had shown up at his door, with a wave and quiet apology, Stephen had resigned himself to hosting their little crew and not just Tony. It was still infinitely better then dealing with the whole Avengers, who were certainly having their own vigil over the night. This just felt…right.

   Stephen took his seat next to Tony, the Cloak fluttering over to lay on their laps, as he silently took the tea offered to him. The air in the room wasn’t exactly uncomfortable but it was odd, Peter’s silence being the clearest indicator, the way he was pressed tightly against May, eyes almost looking haunted. Stephen didn’t blame him.

   They sipped their teas in silence, Tony’s heat scorching on his side, Wong’s gaze heavy in his peripheral.

   In the end, Stephen was not at all surprised when May was the first to break the silence, hand not holding her tea, carding gently through Peter’s hair. He felt her eyes fall on him and when Stephen looked back at her, it was the eyes of a grieving mother, even after all this time with Peter back at her side, he knew the pain of losing her nephew felt fresh as newly fallen snow.

   “Dr. Strange?”

   He just nodded, dread slithering through him at what he knew was coming.

   May’s face scrunched for a moment, eyes swimming with questions before seemingly settling on something, “Peter told me that you were able to look into the future on Titan.”

   He could feel Tony stiffen next to him, could see the way Peter paled at her words, immediately hissing, “Aunt May! You can’t-”

   “Yes,” Stephen interrupted, struggling to keep his gaze steady on her. “I did.”

   “Stephen.” Tony murmured, tone attempting to comfort but Stephen just squeezed his leg.

   “You can ask May, I just can’t promise to answer.”

   This time the room was filled with anticipation. He saw the way Peter perked up, felt the way Tony eyes must have focused on him, could practically feel Wong’s silent encouragement. He had been asked more times then he could count in the immediate days following the Snap, from everyone around him with various tones of desperation, shifting to hostility when he refused to share.

   It wasn’t always because Stephen didn’t want to share, but because the words would burn up on their way up his throat, turning to bitter ash on his tongue. The things Stephen had seen, the possibilities were too many to address easily, his own head spinning with them even today. More importantly, however, Stephen knew no one had actually been prepared to know the truth, to understand.

   He still wasn’t sure they were, but looking at May’s expression now, the way she held onto Peter like he might drift away at any moment, the way Tony and Peter didn’t clamour for answers at the first sign of weakness, Wong’s silence as the only one who already knew everything, was exactly what he needed.

   Stephen saw her mouth shape the words before she spoke them, sending his heart beating against his ribs. He felt like he was locking down for impact, only fully aware of Tony’s hand reaching over to loosely grip his own.

   “What did you see?” she murmured.

   His eyes fell closed on a hard exhale, “everything, I saw everything.”

   “What would have happened if we lost?” Peter’s voice was quiet, tentative.

   Stephen found himself looking at Wong, the man’s dark eyes steady, as he gave a single nod. Permission and reassurance, the people in this room deserved the truth, wanted it with a desperation born of grief and trauma.

   “He wasn’t mad,” came Wong’s voice.

   Tony’s response was decidedly chilly, “excuse me?”

   “It would have worked,” Stephen continued, not meeting Tony’s eyes. “The populations would have had a reset. Most species would have had an extra few centuries, humans a bit less. Resources even lasted long enough in some places for them to come up with viable alternatives, even as they had another population explosion.”

   Silence meant the softly spoken words. It was just as well, Stephen didn’t need their words to know what they were thinking, what they felt, the way that knowledge made one’s stomach twist sickly, distaste scarring their features.

   Then Peter, brave, curious, unthinking Peter spoke the words that had haunted Stephen’s mind for a very long time, “was it worth it?”

   “ _Peter,”_ came the incredulous duel voices of May and Tony, making Peter’s eyes widen and shake his head quickly.

   “I don’t…didn’t mean like-”

   “To some maybe, like Thanos. To others absolutely not, like the people in this room. It is subjective,” Wong cut off his rambling, tone calm and clearly trying to keep Tony and May from over reacting.

    Distantly, Stephen knew he probably shouldn’t have said anything, but it was strangely therapeutic, saying the words that were locked inside him since Titan, with only Wong to reassure him. Even Tony’s constant affirmations were nothing compared to the relief seeping through his bones.

   All the same, he was unsurprised when Tony glared across at Wong, “no it is not _subjective_. Anyone who wasn’t mad, would know there is no world in which killing half the universe would be worth the subsequent lives. Negatives and positives don’t outweigh the fact that it was _wrong.”_

   “Tony,” Stephen interrupted, taking in the man’s angry eyes. “We aren’t saying its _right_. I’d like to think I know that better then anyone.” He said as he touched the Time Stone hanging from his neck.

   He saw the way Tony paled, apology filling his expression, squeezed his hand, “I’m sorry, Stephen you know I didn’t mean it like that-”

   “It’s okay,” Stephen offered a weak smile.

   “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” May said, cheeks red with embarrassment and discomfort, arm tightening around Peter.

   Stephen was grateful when Wong stepped in again, “no, its good you asked. Its been a year since the Snap and a discussion like this is long past due. After all, why else did you choose to come here instead of the compound on the anniversary?”

   It was clear as day by the expressions on their faces, closure, they wanted closure and reassurance. Perhaps not Tony so much, but Stephen was intimately aware of his views on this, was one of the only reasons Stephen hadn’t spiralled himself.

   Peter’s eyes were on him, a question swimming in his eyes and May must have sensed it too because she squeezed his shoulder, quiet encouragement. The kid swallowed thickly, eyes darting away for a moment before looking between him and Wong, “if he wasn’t mad…then what was he?”

   Stephen’s eyes flickered closed, images from the Stone swimming before his eyes, that he hadn’t examined in a long time. When he had gazed into the Stone, motives were the last thing on his mind, his entire focus being the salvation of the Universe…but in the aftermath. Stephen spent a long-time processing what he’d seen and horrifically, heartbreakingly enough, he had endured Thanos’ story.

   The words slipped from his mouth automatically, distant and quiet as he found himself lost in his head, “He was lonely, the last of his kind in the universe. Could you imagine what that must be like? Watching your entire species die, how angry and bitter and lonely he must have felt? He believed it would be a mercy, to save every species in the world from the unimaginable pain he endured.”

   Tony’s voice, soft and insistent drew him from the images haunting his mind. He opened his eyes to see his lover’s worried expression, the grip on his hand having shifted to curl tightly around his wrist. Tony hated when he got lost in his head, forever afraid he’d be unable to coax him out one day.

   “Strange?” he glanced over at Wong, eyes assessing, and gave a short nod.

   “It sounds more like a man who wanted revenge, wanted the world to feel something like the pain he went through, retribution,” May murmured, eyes swimming with familiar anguish, her grip on Peter not loosening in the slightest.

   Tony leaned heavily against him, hands together in Stephen’s lap, a grounding weight, which he needed when Tony spoke, shocking both Stephen and Wong, “she’s right. If he was so lonely, why would he have killed that last person he loved? Why kill Gamora?”

   Stephen found himself looking at Wong, unable to articulate the images in his mind, the ones Wong had been so good at putting into perspective for him this past year, “because not only was he alone, but he had no purpose. He fashioned himself a hero, a martyr, for the rest of the Universe. He loved her but love can not soften the wounds he had.”

   “You almost sound sorry for him,” Tony whispered, eyes on the fire, expression turned away from Stephen.

   He took a deep breath, hated the accusation he imagined in those words, “I pity him, I understand him. But everything I saw had no bearing on the decision I made on Titan.”

   Tony didn’t look at him, but he did squeeze his hand once more.

   “How did you choose?”

   All heads swivelled abruptly toward Peter who blushed yet again at the attention, even as he stuttered forward, “I just…I mean, how, er, how did you know we needed to win-” before anyone could react Peter shook his head quickly. “That’s not to say I think you would just let half the world die Dr. Strange…I just mean everything you saw-”

   “Peter,” May said on a sigh. “He gets it.”

   Stephen could feel his breath coming a bit faster, dread sliding up his spine, as his stomach twisted sickly, and his mouth suddenly felt parched. That question, that question right there was the one he was the most terrified of answering, because he had yet to reconcile his decision with the honest answer without him being a hypocrite. It was practically unanswerable, and he could feel Wong’s concerned gaze.

   He found himself forcing out an answer that would only satisfy someone as earnest as Peter, “I did what felt right,” hollow and empty.

   Wong stood before anyone else could say anything, “it is getting late, allow me to show you to the guest rooms.”

   May was far less oblivious then Peter, shooting him a small smile, expression grateful in a way that made Stephen’s heart ache as she ushered Peter after Wong with a whispered goodnight. He watched them go, a shiver going through him, hand slipping away from Tony’s to hug his middle loosely.

   He could feel Tony’s eyes on him, but Stephen simply looked across the room, out the darkened window, “you should go to bed.”

   Tony said nothing for several minutes, unmoving, until finally there was a quiet sigh and his lover was shifting until he was facing Stephen properly, one leg hanging off their couch. A gentle had come up to brush along his cheek and Stephen found himself leaning into it, “are you ok?”

   “I should be asking you that,” Stephen joked weakly once again.

   “Hmm, thinking I need to upgrade that vodka to whiskey.”

   Stephen gave a small chuckle, allowed Tony to turn his head toward him finally, saw the worry there and couldn’t help the wave of love that went through him.

   “Stephen, why didn’t you answer Peter’s question?”

   Stephen’s eyes flickered closed, “because I don’t like the answer anymore then he would.”

   “I hate seeing you like this,” was his quiet reply, that hand pulling Stephen forward suddenly, until soft lips were pressing gently to his forehead, the action so tender that he    _ached_.

   They didn’t talk about Titan or what Stephen saw directly. They had nightmares and talked about them, occasionally brought up certain actions, parsed out Tony’s inability to understand why Stephen gave his life, but they never spoke about it like they had tonight, and Stephen found himself feeling inexplicably brave.

   “I made the choice I did because the fate of the Universe should never be in one man’s hand alone. Whether she lives or dies, regardless of what he foretold would come to pass, it is the natural cycle of the world and Thanos had no right.”

   Stephen finally opened his eyes and knew what Tony saw. Knew his lover could see the tears in his eyes, the guilt laying heavy on his shoulders, a burden he had carried for the past year, wondered just how haggard he had become.

   “And that was exactly what I did the moment I chose the path we would travel. I suppose that makes me no better then him.”

   Tony’s expression twisted harshly, then hands were yanking him forward into a hard hug, unforgiving in its grip, “you are nothing like him,” his lover whispered vehemently. “You did the right thing, you chose the only path that would keep the world as close to on track as possible. You saved millions of lives who didn’t have the right to choose. You did the _right_ thing.

   Stephen hiccupped into his neck, sobs slipping from his throat and chest without his permission. He found himself gripping Tony like his life depended on it, even as he forced the words out, “I wish I believed that, you always see the world in black and white.”

   “Because I have to Stephen, or I won’t survive it,” a hand began to run soothingly through his hair, while Stephen struggled to control his tears. “I’m sorry that you don’t have that luxury.”

   Stephen offered a wet laugh, “me too,” he murmured.

   The Cloak slipped off their laps, coming to swirl around them in a parody of the hug they were clasped in. And there they stayed until the clock chimed twelve, until the sun rose in the sky, until Wong interrupted them with tea, until May and Peter came down and began making a mess of the kitchen. It was the one-year anniversary of the Snap, and as Stephen watched the chaos that was this little family, he actually began to believe he had done the right thing.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos make my day ;)
> 
> Was he mad? Was he just lonely and bitter? Desperate? Let me know your views on Thanos and don't be afraid to play devil's advocate ;)


End file.
